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31 October 2005 @ 11:07 am
I have such a foolish heart, but I can't help myself.

I can't be certain, but the way I can discern love from like is when I know I cannot live without the other person in my life. And there is only one person apart from my family that I feel that way about, and as much as I've denied it or wished it away I know it is love. And it hurts.

I hate when people say that you need to move on from certain people in your lives when they used to say something entirely different, and then come back to saying how much they like him for me. I just stopped listening to people trying to give me advice, because they have no idea how it is, he doesn't even have any idea, and at times neither do I.

I feel so helpless at times, and it gets so hard for me to put on a smile when I'm really aching inside or when the stabs of jealousy pierce my heart and flip my stomach that rolls with acid making me sick and I can't fight the hot tears threatening to spill. You say you can read me like a book in those moments, but can you really? And if you can, then why are you trying to tear out the pages? If you can really see me struggling to keep my composure and know why, then why don't you just STOP HURTING ME because it's you! Or didn't you know? I thought you knew everything.

I love YOU, stop trying to push me onto other people and claiming feelings that aren't there for me, stop telling me I don't know what love is, because if this isn't it then why the fuck does it hurt so much and how come I can take so much and still care for you despite it ALL. It must be love.

I can do nothing but smile sadly and tell people no when they ask me if we're together, bite my tongue when they ask why we aren't, and meekly reply that we were and give the barest explanation of what happened between us. That almost killed me the other day, when my roommate said we were meant for each other, and that we should be together and Laura telling me we were going to get married. It felt a little nice not denying I loved you in front of them, though I was a little scared about letting the latter know.

I watched Grey's Anatomy last night for the first time and something she said keeps coming to mind, about how whoever said what we don't know can't hurt us is dead wrong because not knowing is worse. I can't read you at all and it kills me. I have feelings at times, hopes, fears, but in the end I can't ever be sure and it tears me apart.

This is all really unhealthy.
♥ she feels: sadsad
31 October 2005 @ 11:05 am
She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes.
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies.
And she only reveals what she wants you to see.
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me.

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you.
She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe.
And she'll take what you'll give her as long as it's free.
Yeah, she steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me.

Oooh, she takes care of herself.
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time.
Oooooh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in,
she just changes her mind.

And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden.
And she'll carelesly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding.
But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be.
Blame it all on yourself, cause she's always a woman to me.

Oooh, she takes care of herself.
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time.
Oooooh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in,
she just changes her mind.

She is frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel.
But she can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool.
And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree.
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
but she's always a woman to me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Nothing is, really, but I've just been in a really weird mood lately. Everything and nothing bothers me, and it's been harder than usual to put on my happy disposition I try to keep up. I've been thinking a lot about random things, whether I'm actually getting anything done here, doubting myself, getting scared thinking about the future, getting angry about common views and then angry at myself for being so insecure as to care about them, trying to sort out my own values and morals...I'M SO APATHETIC in the end though, and I hate it, I hate not caring enough to do anything about anything and I hate caring so much but knowing that there's nothing I can do about it. I hate feeling vulnerable, weak, unimportant, invisible, I hate hate hate hating. I hate feeling like this because it's so stupid wasting time thinking about shit like this when there are things I should be doing instead of worrying about things I can do nothing about or things that are just not worth my time stressing about. I know a lot of this sounds redundant but I don't care, I need to let some of this out because it's all tangled up in my head and I can't keep it in there, it keeps me up nights thinking and spaces me out in class and I can't explain to ANYONE so I have to keep it in.

Does anyone really know what they're doing here? I mean, really know? Is anyone enjoying what they are working towards? Will anyone be happy with their life after this, truly happy? I know there are few who will, and a majority that never will. I hope to be one of those people in the former, but I feel so lost most of the time. It really scares me. But not enough to motivate me.

College is where you branch out and meet new people, including the person you will marry and spend the rest of your life with. Does that really happen, or is it just something someone contrived? I haven't met a single soul that I could barely consider taking an interest in, dating, talking to my parents about and eventually introducing them to, and finally becoming serious with enough to hope for a proposal and marry. It's only my first year, so who knows? Everyone here seems to lack depth though, or is putting up a front of being intriguing but they really are devoid of any intelligent thoughts. Everyone is so FAKE or just really stupid and it makes me sick a little when I think about it but mostly sad.

I really want to go home, I want to feel something familiar, something safe. That sentence has two meanings, come to think of it, and I want both so much.

Does anyone of you even understand, if anyone is reading this? I really don't think you do, maybe you can begin to imagine, but you won't really get it. Do you even care? I hope you do, but I doubt any of you really do.

I'm in such a weird mood.
♥ she feels: thoughtfulthoughtful
15 September 2005 @ 11:37 am
Last night was so awesome. Pictures and explainations later.
♥ she feels: cheerfulcheerful
♥ she mouthes: "as lovers go" → dashboard confessional
14 September 2005 @ 07:21 pm
Sooo I just got back from stuffing my face at Commons and I have NOTHING to do (well, i could study for PoliSci...) so anyways NOTHING to do until we go see the Brandons tonight ( Heeee) so I decided to write a blog since I haven't in the longest time.

It's been what, over a month now since I've been up here in San Marcos? I think it's barely sunk in that I'm not at a sleepaway camp or something like that; I was waiting for a period of being terribly homesick, and when it never came, I felt bad because I wasn't missing home at all. I've been thinking a lot lately though about how home back in Brownsville is never going to be home again. I mean, I'll be going back for summers and all but it's not home, you know? The dorms aren't truly home either, but after this, I'm moving out on my own. Hmm, yeah none of this makes sense out of my head but eh, w/e.

The weirdest thing is how my love life is so up in the air here. It seems like everyone else (being Laura and Naomi) have interests popping up everywhere and I can't seem to find one. Well, there is this guy Danny who wants to take me to see Coldplay at ACL, but its weirding me out how he's ready to dish out $50 on a girl he hasn't exchanged more than 50 words with, you know? And he's not really that cute (beggars can't be choosers, I know, but I need some sort of attraction and it just wasn't there). There is another guy I'm kinda crushing on, but he's a good friend and I don't think he's interested in me that way. Also, one of his good friends tried to hit on me and failed miserably, and so I don't think this guy I'm into will go there. But I've upped my flirting with him...so we'll just see. Michael's coming to see me next weekend so we can go to the MCR show in San Antonio (our city <3) so I'm looking forward to that...to having someone I can love on and be loved back by. It's so great to know he's keeping me in his heart and keeping him in mine, but I can't help but feel I'm holding him back from growing up in relationships that way, by keeping him all to myself. Especially since I don't intend on keeping my romantic focus only on him while I'm up here. But I just feel so...I don't know, undesirable, young, naive...especially next to Naomi and Laura. Ugh, I wish I could change some things about myself when they tease me about them, but then I really don't because I am that way for good reasons. It's just so hard sometimes, and it makes me feel so stupid. It really annoys me when they tease me about it. Just because that's how I am doesn't mean I don't feel the way they do about certain things, and I still have an opinion even if I'm not like them.


I had my first exam today (Visual Communication) and I'm kinda worried about it because it covered lots of things that weren't in the review. Part of me is like, w/e, it's the first test, but still...my UniSem professor got me all anxious about doing really well on the first exams. Eh. I have a test in PoliSci on Friday I should probably be studying for now but I'm just too lazy...I'll attend the review session tomorrow if it doesn't interfere with the Tim O'Brien thing. I'm such a procrastinator.

I've had enough of typing, and I got out what I needed to already. LOVE!

Pictures soon!

I love this song!
♥ she feels: coldcold
♥ she mouthes: "clark gable" → the postal service
13 September 2005 @ 06:26 pm
more pictures!Collapse )
13 September 2005 @ 06:24 pm
pics behind the cut!Collapse )
i'm really bad about sticking to a journal/xanga/site thing. maybe it's because it's been a little hectic these past few days with moving in and classes starting and all. yeah, i'm pretty sure that's it.

my classes are alright- all of them are really big classes and held in theaters with about 300+ students with the exception of my PFW and my UniSem classes. i'm taking PoliSci, Algebra, UniSem, Intro to Fine Arts: Theater, PFW: Jogging, and Visual Communication. i know a few people in each class, so i've got a handful of study buddies but i'm hoping to meet a whole lot more people.

wellll i've been RUDELY interrupted so i will write more later! loooooove.

jenn ♥
♥ she feels: sleepysleepy
28 July 2005 @ 01:35 pm
this is my journal

these are my thoughts

this is my life

narrated by M-E.

xx friends only xx

if you don't like it, you don't have to hear about it.
♥ she feels: busy
♥ she mouthes: just the girl ;x; the click five